You Are My Only Hope
by mydoctortennant
Summary: Songfic to Only Hope by both Switchfoot and Mandy Moore. Postboth accidents
1. Ray, Switchfoot Version

**My favourite song Only Hope has been sung by two different people, Switchfoot's Jon Foreman and Mandy Moore. So I thought I would do a song fic for Both Ray and Neela. First up is Ray. Beta'd by Maz as per usual.**

**Switchfoot (Ray)**

_There's a song that's inside of my soul  
It's the one that I've tried to write  
over and over again _

That would be right. That would be the song I've written on that bloody CD I gave you! Why did I even bother? So long I have waited for you to come back to me and you just go and throw it in my face? If you wanted to be with Gates over me, you could have said something! Why did I even waste my time chasing you? I even fell in love with you and you throw that in my face!

When Michael died I was there for you. You know I was. But you say you pushed me away because of the reason I had always hoped it was; that you felt the same way. You said you couldn't be with me before because there was history. Well you know what? Being with Gates couldn't be much more of a blow! That's the reason I went and got bloody plastered! You know that? Seeing you with him, him then telling me I'm not good enough for you, or near enough. Then I went and got run over, and it's all your fault!

_I'm awake and in the infinite cold_

And I am. Right now I am awake lay down in Baton bloody Rouge, of all places, thinking about you! And it's bloody freezing! You know what; I'm done with this shit! You made your choice, and it wasn't me. I can live with that, well, I can now I won't see you every day. I just have to remember why I am in this mess and it all comes right again. I just remember that it was all your little games that put me in this stupid situation, because this is all your fault!

_But You sing to me over and over and  
over again_

You tell me every time that my time is coming, that I don't have long to wait. But every time you say it, your nose gets longer! It's all a bloody lie! Every time the lie rolls off your tongue it gets easier and easier for you to say, one day I believed you, but that isn't then anymore. I've had it. Every time I thought I was getting somewhere, thought I knew what I was doing, thought I had turned a corner, I fell back again. All because of you and all your bloody false hope!

Had you been straight with me from day one then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be in this mess. Hell, I definitely wouldn't be in this mess and you know it. Because you know what, it's all your fault!

_So I lay my head back down  
And I lift my hands  
And pray to be only Yours  
I pray to be only Yours  
I know now You're my only hope_

One day I did that. I prayed, to some God I don't even believe in that you would finally see what a jerk Gates really is. But you never ever did. You were too bloody fooled by that asshole that you forgot who your real friends are. Did you even listen to Abby? I hope you didn't! She would never advise you to stay with that jerk! She knows you too well! She knew what your heart was hiding, what it was fighting long before you realized it yourself!

You made me a good doctor; you made me who I am today. And for that I will always love you. Though that doesn't mean I will ever forgive you. The blame is all on you and you know what? It is all your fault.

_Sing to me of the song of the stars  
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing  
and laughing again_

Did you dance with him when I left? Did you hold his hand, and laugh the night away? Stupid, pathetic Ray believed your every word. You mean the world to me; you have for the longest time, since well before Zoë. I fell in love with you and you didn't even care. You just let Gates walk all over you and you, in turn, walked all over me. The worst thing is: I let you! I was your welcome mat! But none of that matters anymore because you called me, you went to rub it in that I had lost, and I got hit. So it really truly is all your fault!

_When it feels like my dreams are so far  
Sing to me of the plans that you have  
for me over again _

When it felt like my dreams were finally coming true you trampled them all over again. You told me before the wedding that you wanted to be with me, that none of the 'history' mattered anymore. But you still came to the wedding with Gates; you still spent the most of your time with him. You stood on that balcony and you laughed with him, you led me on time and time again and I followed, the love sick puppy I was! How pathetic. But none of that matters anymore to me because the one person responsible for the pain I am going through, is you! It is all your fault.

_So I lay my head back down  
And I lift my hands  
And pray to be only Yours  
I pray to be only Yours  
I know now You're my only hope_

You were my one hope in life. You had put me in check, all the time I followed what you told me. I did everything for you and it all got thrown in my face. All I wanted to do was make you happy and all you ever did was push me further and further away. The further away you pushed me, the further I had to come back and the more my love for you grew. The more I love you and the more this hurts! Because even though this is your fault- I still find my self loving you. But why the hell do I? It is all your fault!

_I give you my empathy  
I'm giving you all of me  
_

I gave you everything I had in me! My entire heart, everything I could give, and you have it. My entire life I would waste on you. My whole heart I would waste loving you and you would never return it! You know what? I am sick of it! You can have it, do what you want. Or you could have; only now I know you don't want it. But like Abby said: My heart, it is in your heart, please be careful with it! But so far you haven't been, maybe you should just give it back before its 99 superglue. Somebody who made me a double amputee, she doesn't deserve my heart! It is your fault.

_I want your symphony  
Singing in all that I am  
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back_

And I have tried, with all my heart, I have tried. I have told you, or tried to tell you, so many times; I gave you the time and space you wanted. The space you gave me, you can bloody well have it back. I'm over 800 miles away; you think that's enough space? Is it enough space to give somebody who changed my life for the worst, forever? This is nobody's fault but yours!

_So I lay my head back down  
And I lift my hands  
And pray to be only Yours  
I pray to be only Yours  
I know now You're my only hope_

You really are, and if you don't visit me, if you don't try, then what am I to do? You are the best friend I have ever had. The only person I have ever loved. And I really do, I really do love you. Never will that stop. I never wanted to leave you, believe you me. Because no matter how much I might blame you, it really isn't your fault. I fell for the wrong girl at the wrong time, and made a bad situation worse by using alcohol to try and drown my sorrows. It really wasn't worth it in the end. Because I know you love me. But the price I had to pay to hear you tell me such a thing; it was more that what I was willing to pay. Although in the end, if I can be with you, after all this, if I can be with you; I would give you the world. If I could be with you, none of this would matter. And if it helps, I don't blame you, the only person I can blame is myself; it is my fault and my fault alone.

**Reviews make me happy. And I need that right now just seen the series finale cry**


	2. Neela, Mandy Moore Version

**Okies, the Neela POV of this fic, sorry for the wait, just a bit of a manic week. I've ben babysitting my sister's boyfriend whilst she was at work. Introduced him to Reela, and got him hooked on ER in the process, go me! Right then, without further ado, here is the second and last chapter of this song fic. After a concert (The Feeling, what a show) I'm ready for bed, but I thought I owed you to post this :P**

_There's a song that's inside of my soul.  
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again_

I don't suppose it was me that wrote the song that means the world, and then some, to me. You did. And I will carry it with me for ever. Since the day you left, that CD has not left my side; since you gave it to me, more likely. I've listened to that song you wrote about me countless times. I know all of the words, and it is constantly in my head now I'm lying here. If the pain I'm going through is any bearing on your pain, then I understand your anger. But you've lost a part of you. And I suppose in another way I've lost a part of me. For the three most important years of my life you have been here for me and now you're not. I don't think I can cope without you! It's too much to bear, this burden I carry that whatever happens in your life, roots back to that night I should have told you I loved you. I should have told Tony to sod off. I should have told him from the moment he arrived at my apartment you were who I loved.

I didn't stop the fight. I didn't come after you, and there are no words to say how utterly blame worthy I feel. It is all my fault we're in this mess. I should have been honest, but I wasn't. I led you along and now you're gone from me forever. You don't want to see me and I can't blame you. I blame myself.

_I'm awake in the infinite cold.  
But you sing to me over and over and over again._

So I'm lying here at County, listening to your voice. I told Abby to get me the CD you gave me, and that look she gave me, it was so sorrowful and pitying. I just want you here. I needed you to hold me. To tell me that you loved me and that you don't blame me. That you still love me and no matter what happened in the past you still love me. Because I love you. It has taken me long enough but that is what I am good at; running. I kept running from what I was feeling and that why we are in this big mess. And I know that it is my fault, I blame nobody but myself.

_So, I lay my head back down.  
And I lift my hands and pray  
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours  
I know now you're my only hope._

You really are. I can't do this all without you! I need you in my life to tell me what to do! If you're never coming back, then when I can I will come and find you, there is nothing more I want than to hold you in my arms and tell you I'm sorry. I really, really am, I am so, so sorry. I love you Ray, and I know I took my time to admit it, and I am sorry. I really am. I should not have run away. I should have stayed, I should have been brutally honest and I know _you_ were, even if you did just settle for me being the Best Friend you could never have. Right now, if I'm still that best friend, that it is more than I deserve. It is all my fault, I blame myself for this.

_Sing to me the song of the stars.  
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.  
_

I would give anything just to see you smile. Just to see the shine in your eyes when you call me 'Roomie'. To be sat on the sofa scared out of my wits because we're watching one of your cheesy films that aren't really all that scary. To hear you laugh at me because I'm being 'silly', I would give the world.

Anything I could do to have you by my side I would do, just to hold your hand I would give my life. And I guess I nearly did. But what is life when you're not in it? What is this stupid world worth if I can't have you with me? I need you Ray, and it's my fault you're not here with me now. The blame is all on me.

_When it feels like my dreams are so far  
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again._

That's all you ever did. You looked out for me; you did everything to make me happy. Why am I only seeing that now? Why is it that I couldn't see that when you were here? I dream of the day I will see you again, I love you and I need you. You need to be here with me, even if you never want to see me again, which I can thoroughly understand, but I won't give up on the love that I feel. I need you here with me; I need your support to help me through this mess I have gotten myself in. I need you, and I can't have you because of how I treated you. I blame myself.

_So I lay my head back down.  
And I lift my hands and pray  
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours  
I know now, you're my only hope._

You are my only hope of making it through this. I need you more now than ever. More than when I needed you after Michael's death. Right now I have nobody. Abby is great, but the look in her eyes says it all. You've been through worse you won't feel pity for me, and I need that. I need somebody to look at me, hard and unfeeling to tell me I'm being pathetic. To tell me I'm being stupid, that somebody has it worse off than me. But all they know is that you've left, I kept your wishes, and I didn't tell a living soul.

Abby has been asking after you, trying to get you to come and visit me. But she doesn't know. She just thinks you're in a piss with me because of Gates. Needless to say, it is somewhat true. I've told you a million times, I don't love him, it's over, and I want to be with you Ray. I always have. I should have made my move sooner; I should have spoken up when Gates appeared at my door, it is my fault and I know that, the blame is on me.

_I give you my destiny.  
I'm giving you all of me_.

My future is in your hands, Ray. You can choose whether to give me another chance, not that I deserve it, or to just cut me loose once and for all and we'll call it quits. Over. Kaput. But please, I need you, I always have, don't give up on me yet. For a while I might prove you right, I won't be able to come ad visit you, but I want to, and as soon as I can I will! I promise you. Not that my promises mean a whole lot to you, but I really do mean it. I need you to make my complete and I know that how your life is now you may not want me, but I love you and I need you. I know it is my fault you are how you are, and I know it is my fault you don't want to talk to me, but I can't shift the blame any other way. It is my fault.

_I want your symphony, singing in all that I am  
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back. _

If you won't take me, I'll give you back what you gave me so long ago. You can have it back, I'll give back your heart and I'll let you be happy. Even though I have messed you around and broken you more than you deserve, I want you to know that if you want to ever give me another chance I will come running. Any time, any place, I will come for you. I need you, I want you and above all else I love you. It's my fault I never told you sooner, but as soon as it is possible, I will be coming and I will tell you every day. Until I can no more, I will be making it my mission to let you know. But until such times I will lay here and wallow in my own grief. If I've lost you forever I blame myself.

_So I lay my head back down.  
And I lift my hands and pray  
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours  
I pray, to be only yours _

It is selfish I know, but I hope that deep down you no longer blame me. I hope deep down that you can accept what I am telling you now, I love you. I need you to be here with me, and I want you to come back. I love you. And I know you love me too. So please, please come back. Even though it has taken me this long to realize the truth, I know what it is I need. I need you. And If I can not have you, it is only myself I can blame.

_I know now you're my only hope._

You are my only chance of survival Ray. I need you, your love, your presence to make my life worth living. As soon as I can, I will be by your side and I will tell you until the moment I die that I love you. I need you, and although you may have given up on me, I haven't given up on you. I love you; you can't blame me for that.

**Reviews are love, love makes Jen happy, Happy Jen means inspired Jen, inspired Jen means more fics, more fics equals reviews, you see where this is going right?**


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